Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
