Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize