During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We need to get me chipped asap
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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