im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
