The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
