I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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