Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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