i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
