so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Text me some of your sweat
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