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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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