Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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