Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
