Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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