Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
we should paint friendship bongs
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