im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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