Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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