mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
