I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
