remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
