I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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