This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So here I am, sexting at work.
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