He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
