Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
3pm strippers are depressing
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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