an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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