I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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