I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
