awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
