Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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