theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Randomize
