im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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