I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
