it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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