we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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