It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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