I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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