if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
