Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
