i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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