he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
