The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize