you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
