they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
pray to the hookup gods
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
