just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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