And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
