i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
