and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
