So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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