I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
