I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize