I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
