Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
