I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the day after is always just damage control
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize