i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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