Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
