I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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