Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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