My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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