Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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