I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
