Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
